The Shopper: an in-depth dissection of this unique mammal.

The word 'shopper' is a noun. The simple definition is "one who shops"; similar to the one who knocks, but not nearly as cool. 

There are many kinds of shoppers. I've broken it down into a list, because I think that is the easiest way to do it. 

The Permission Seeker: this shopper is not in control. They feel like they need to get permission for the most mundane things. "Can I put this on chicken?" Yes, you can. Unlike mattresses, it is not a federal offense to use this salsa in a manner not in accordance with the label. Go ahead, you rebel. Put it on that chicken and see what happens. When I tell them they can also use the salsa as a pizza sauce? Mind. Blown. 

The Chef: this shopper is not going to buy your salsa because they make their own.

The Terminator: this shopper will be back. Oh, I love this. I will stop and get some on the way back. Usually they are parked over here *hand gesture* so they have to come back this way anyway, so they will for sure be back. 

The Allergic: this shopper "wants" to taste but they are *insert chuckle here* allergic to *insert every single ingredient in every single jar that you have here*. Bye. 

The Vanilla: this shopper is the most boring of all. Oh, I don't like anything spicy. Well, we have five flavors that have no hot peppers at all. No, you don't understand, green peppers are too hot for me. The other version of this shopper runs from the hot side to the mild side and says, laughing, "This side is hot? Well, then, I am on the wrong side." *laughter, chuckle, laughter* This is not funny. I don't know why you are laughing. Newsflash, you're not the first one to do this. And it wasn't even funny the first time. 

The Something to Prove: this shopper is a show off. This is the 'nothing is hot enough for me' guy at every party. The first words out of his mouth are ALWAYS, "What's your hottest one?" without exception. My favorite experience with this shopper is when they try the hottest one and you can see the red start at the base of their neck and travel all the way up their face as they cover their mouth and slowly turn to walk away so I can't see the tears or hear the choking. 

The Expert: this shopper knows my recipes better than I do. They can taste the cilantro in this one when there isn't cilantro in it; probably because of their discerning palate; after all, I do use cilantro in my kitchen, right? That is probably why they can taste it. They know which ones are hot, just by looking at them. Oh, look at all these seeds *that is garlic* No, I mean all the white things. *yeah, garlic* Listen, my friend makes a lot of salsa, I think she knows seeds when she sees them. *sigh* I think I have blogged about this one before. An oldie, but goodie. 

The Hater: this shopper hates salsa. And they are for sure going to go out of their way to tell me just how much they hate it. Horrible facial expressions are a bonus of this shopper. "Oh, yuck. Salsa!" while scrunching up their nose. 

The Later: this shopper will taste it later. They have just brushed their teeth, had coffee, breakfast, or lunch. The alternate version of this shopper has coffee in their hand and they doubt that salsa will taste very good with the coffee. Hahahahaha. They are very funny. And they promise to come back when they aren't so full, drinking coffee, etc. 

The Scene Stealer: this shopper loves to taste things before they know what they are and then make a huge ordeal about it. Usually fanning their mouth and saying "hot, hot, hot, hot, hot" over and over while jumping up and down.

The Purist: this shopper thinks salsa should consist of tomatoes, onions, bell peppers, hot peppers, garlic and vinegar. They think fruit in salsa is blasphemy. They don't understand why you would add extra garlic, lime juice, or sugar. 

The Cheapskate: this shopper can make the salsa for much less at home. And it will probably taste better.

The Doubter: this shopper lives alone or is the only one in the house that eats salsa. They love the salsa and they would buy it, but it just wouldn't get eaten because, well, they live alone, or the other people in their house don't eat salsa. When I tell them that there are a million other uses for salsa, they inform me that no one in their house will eat that, either.  

The Waffler: this shopper won't buy a jar because their significant other likes it hot and they like it mild, or vise versa. When I explain to them that they can save money by buying two jars, they turn into the version of The Doubter that simply could never eat a whole jar by themselves (see above).

Luckily for all of these shoppers, I have perfected my customer service smile, my 'that's the first time I've hear that one' chuckle, and my 'authentic to you' jolly belly laugh. 

Thank the Universe I have this blog to let off some steam.

Thanks for reading.