Really, I'm not a Bitch.
If you follow my blog at all, you know that I've been trying to break up with anxiety for some time now. But it just keeps hanging on like an abusive, pathetic, needy boyfriend. Try as I might, just when I think I've kicked him to the curb, and he's moved on, he shoots me a text that says, "Hey, we haven't hung out in a while. Meet me at the Emergency Room." Most of the time I resist this text quite valiantly with some help from my friends Candy Crush and Ativan, but sometimes, I cave in and meet him. And it's never good. Did anyone bring you here today? Yeah, it's anxiety. He's right next to me. Duh. I am always surprised when others don't see him. He is larger than life.
People view me as a successful businesswoman. So, I am going to go with that, and use the tiny little platform I have to try and peck away at the stigma associated with mental illness. No one is embarrassed to say that they have allergies, or diabetes, or even cancer. So, then, why are we so mortified when someone tries to talk about depression or anxiety? Lucky for you, I don't embarrass easily, so I am going to talk about it.
Anxiety is not a 'one size fits all' kind of thing. It manifests differently for everyone. For me, it is the immediate fear of dying. I am having a heart attack and no one can talk me out of it. It is happening and I am going to die right fucking here in front of my kids and what are they going to do without me and OMG how fast can I drive to the Emergency Room to meet my asshole boyfriend. It manifests as extreme irritation. If one more person says one more word or makes one more sound, I am going to lose my shit and I have to be alone right now. Any sound is like nails on a chalkboard. Needless to say, no one wants to be around me when I am like that, anyway, so. Winning. It is what if what if what if what if what if. It is 'you're not good enough and everyone knows it, so why do you even bother trying to make people think you are good at anything.' It is 'do you really believe anyone can take you seriously with how fat you are? do you think anyone is even listening? lose some weight and maybe people will start listening to you and respecting you'. Yep.
A while back, I met a lady at an event in Chippewa Falls, Taste of the North. She and her significant other came up to our table and told me they owned a cafe and asked if I had ever considered making a custom salsa for a restaurant. I gave her the short answer of "sure, I can do it, give me a call". After they walked away, Jim turned to me and said, "Wow. You were really rude to them." See? Here's the thing. I didn't think I was being rude. The truth is, I hate people in groups. And I can only tolerate so much. So when we are at an event like that, and there are a lot of people, talking to me and asking me questions and going on about how they make their own salsa, I put up the 'let's not have a panic attack' wall. Trust me, this is as much for your protection as it is for mine. This is the wall that forces me to answer questions with as few words as I can. The fake smile wall. The nod and smile wall. The 'I better pause and think before I answer that' wall. It's my defense mechanism and I won't apologize for it. It's how I survive. I keep telling Jim that I probably shouldn't be the face of the company and he just gives me that car salesman smile and says, "You just need to work on your smile. " I force a smile and he shakes his head and says, "That's terrible." Whatever.
Long story short (is it too late for that?), we ended up making the salsa for the nice lady. You might even know her. She owns Deb's Cafe. You see, she and I have a lot in common, so maybe she didn't even notice how rude I was. Deb's daughter, Janna, suffered from depression and anxiety. Janna lost her battle, but her mother now carries on in her name with www.journeyonjanna.com. A foundation to help others struggling with depression and anxiety.
On May 19, Journey on Janna will hold their second annual Journey on Janna 5k. I have been thinking about more ways to get involved in the community, (without talking to people, of course), and this is a natural fit for me. So, Chip Magnet is putting a jar of salsa in every swag bag, for every participant.
You can learn more about Journey on Janna here www.journeyonjanna.com
And you can learn more about Deb's Cafe and her awesomeness here www.debscafe.com
Wanna run? http://www.tandhtiming.com/events/2018-journey-janna-foundation-5k/
If you know someone suffering with depression or anxiety, get involved. Say something. Do something. Talk about it. Just a hand on a shoulder (absolutely not in my case, if you try to comfort me by touching me it will not end well for you), or a smile, a kind word, a distraction, can do wonders for those of us in need.
We love you, Deb <3
